Attention Seeking Behavior
We’ve all heard it before - “ignore him! He’s just looking for attention.” It makes sense, right? If a child is acting out in order to gain attention, we ignore. We try to give our attention to behaviors that we label as “positive” or “acceptable.” The problem here lies in what we are ignoring. Are we ignoring the behavior? Or are we ignoring the child?
Let’s take a moment to reframe our thinking around attention seeking behavior. What if we replaced the word “attention” with “connection?” Does that make you think of your child’s behavior any differently? It’s not attention-seeking behavior, but connection-seeking behavior. (The power that language has on our perception is pretty amazing.)
When children are seeking attention from an adult or a peer, they are seeking to connect with that individual. Maybe they haven’t yet figured out what initiating connection looks like. Maybe they’re leaning on knowledge from the past. Maybe they’re even learning from watching our own behavior when we’re looking for connection (adults seek attention too). Whatever the reason for the methodology, the motivation is the same: “I want to connect with you.”
“But my kid is still hitting, kicking, biting, climbing on furniture [insert relevant behaviors here], etc. to connect with me.” Herein lies the problem. Your child is seeking connection, you are happy to oblige, but the ways they are going about this quest for attention are still frustrating and at times unsafe.
Here’s the kicker: give them the connection anyway. When a child is exhibiting a behavior, they are communicating something; they are asking for something. No matter the type of communication, when a child tells us what their needs are, we must listen. Think of your experiences in your own life. How would you feel when you tell your partner, your friend, your sister that you need something and they ignore it? Whether a child or an adult, being ignored has the potential to make us angry, upset, and even add to the initial problematic behavior.
When a child is acting out and your first thoughts are to ignore the child because it comes from a place of wanting attention, challenge yourself to lean into that nonverbal request. Give the attention, connect with your child(ren). If connection and attention are feeling out of reach for you in that moment, reassure with an ‘I love you’ and try not to let the interaction turn into a power struggle. Remember, all behavior is a form of communication.
See below for some concrete strategies on connection when you’re feeling frustrated.
Strategies to try:
Narrate the behavior and label the (assumed) attempt for communication (eg: “you want my attention so you’re throwing blocks at me. Throwing is not safe, can you ask me to play in another way? okay, I’ll take a short break from making breakfast to play with you.” “I can play with you for 5 minutes, I’ll set a timer,” when timer goes off - “okay, I need to get back to my chore. Next time you want to connect with me, you can say, ‘mommy, will you play with me?”’)
Respond, don’t react. Try to catch yourself in habitual thinking about your child’s intentions. When you brush off behavior and ignore the child, try to take a moment to pause and wonder, “what might my child be wanting from me right now?”
If you must ignore, ignore the behavior, not the child. Communicate this. (eg: “screaming is not an appropriate way to get daddy’s attention. You can say, “Daddy, will you listen to me?” When the child uses the appropriate replacement strategy, praise the child and engage.
